cum e sa nu poti sa ignori

de cate ori nu am zis eu de maine o sa fac lucrurile altfel... de atatea ori am mintit si de atatea ori am fost sincera. de atatea ori am fost fraiera si naiva.

daca ma uit astazi in spate vad 17 ani care m'au imbatranit atat de tare...

daca ma uit acum in spate te vad pe tine. ii vad pe toti, stii? si toti au lasat o taietura adanca in sufletul meu. pana si vecinul de palier. pentru ca nu reusesc sa raman indiferenta la nimic, la nicio fiinta cu care iau contact. si e al dracu de dureros, mai ales cand incerc sa raman indiferenta. pentru ca la un moment dat clachez si e prea tarziu...

te rog invata'ma sa musc, sa zgarii, sa sfasii, sa urlu, sa privesc taios, sa palmuiesc, sa lovesc, sa lupt pentru ceea ce stiu ca nu'mi ramane indiferent... te rog...

te rog spune'mi macar tu ca nu e prea tarziu... te rog...

How to dance feetless

I: - Stop yelling!

R: - Ok! You don’t need to yell too!

I (surprised of R’s burst): - Oh, well, that was just because you yelled first and you had no intention to stop.

R: - And I yelled because…

I (smiling conciliatory): - Stop! Stop! Don’t tell me, I don’t want to know, I don’t want to start arguing again.

R (growing angry): - What do you mean? That I don’t know how to have a normal conversation without arguing? Is that what you wanted to say?

I: - Oh no, not at all! Really, I’m sorry.

R: - Yeah, good! Good…

I: - Uhmm… you should apologize too!

R: - Uhmm… Why?

I: - Because I’ve said I’m sorry. So it’ll be nice and polite if you say too.

R (speeding up his words): - What? Oh no, no way! I nave no need of apologizing. You’re the one who said those stupid impossible things. You’re the one who started that mess, keep saying we’re both as much real as we are an illusion. Did you expect me to believe all that crap you’ve been mumbling ‘till now about us being related somehow, depending on each other and stuff? Come on!

I (increasing his voice): - CRAP?? Oh, so I’ve been mumbling crap? Ha! You’re the one who denied the true spiritual values of the human kind, the individual potential. God! Just when I thought we’ve understood each other. You are so stubborn!

R: - Now I’m stubborn? Look who’s talking! The looney!

I: - Oh my God! Here we go again…

Before. I don’t know how long before. Nobody knows. There’s no time and space, only the spotted mind and its spotless reflection in the mirror. There’s no dark or light; it could last a second or as long as the Universe. Nobody knows. There’s only the spotted mind and its spotless reflection in the mirror.

Scene one:

(I is happy, in a good temper, and he’s trying to cheer R up. But R remains grumpy. The dialogue goes on in a childish way.)

I: - Hello!

R: - Oh, hi…

I: - Can I come closer?

R: - Yeah, whatever…

I: - Uhmm… how are you?

R: - …around…

I: - Uhmm… I was thinking about how much I’d like an ice cream right now. With cherry topping. It’s my favourite, you know.

R: - I don’t.

I: - Of course you didn’t know! Yes, of course not. I just said that. Yeah, I just said thet because I’d like a cherry ice cream very much.

R (careless): - Well, as you can see, I don’t have one for you.

I: - I know that, but thinking about what I like makes me feel better. What do you think about?

R: - Nothing.

I: - How can you think about nothing?

R: - … ?!

I (stimulated by R’s silence): - Oh, I could never stay not doing anything, without having anything on my mind. Hundreds of ideas, crazy ideas keep running in and out of my head, as in a circle.(speeding up his words) I always think about something, you know, it is just how I am and I can’t stop it. I sometimes get tired and exhausted but I start wondering about a lot of beautiful, nice things like cherry ice cream, for example, or Superman and his powers, or the rainbow… Have you ever asked yourself where the rainbow goes or where it comes from?

R (pretty annoyed): - No, I haven’t.

I: - Uhmm… you’re not quite a chatter box, are you?

R: - Uhmm… you’re not quite well-educated, are you?

I: - Oh… I’m sorry if I’ve been rude. That was not my intention. I just wanted to chat with you, and I thought you’d like it too. I’ll leave you alone. I’m sorry…

Scene two:

R (After a while, feeling guilty and wishing to have a conversation with someone… with anyone): - Hey! Come back here. Let’s start over!

I (blinking happily): - Ok! Uhmm… Hello!

R: - Hi!

I: - I was thinking of the cherry ice cream. Do you like cherry ice cream?

R: - Yeah... (although very close to get out of his mind). I like cherry ice cream.

I: - Good! Good! Now, close your eyes and imagine that you are eating one. Keep your eyes closed and just feel its taste. Isn’t it delicious? I can taste it too.

R: - Oh stop it, this is embarrassing. What good to imagine that I’m eating a cherry ice cream? I’m not even hungry. I can’t feel hunger, or thirst, or anything else.

I (innocently rising his eyebrows): - But I can taste the sweet sourish cherry ice cream…

R (pissed of): - No you can’t! We have nothing here. There is nothing to feel. We’re trapped here. Just ourselves.

I (courageous): - Of course there’s something to feel. Our feelings are priceless. You’re right, we’re alone but we’re complete. We’ve got all we need right here (he said, showing his head with his right hand). I have all I need inside me.

R: - You’re insane. Go away from me, you’re mad.

I: - Ok! Let me be the mad man and you’ll be the sad one who can’t feel the sweet-sourish taste of a cherry ice cream.

Scene three:

I (again, after a while): - So what if we’re trapped here?

R: - “So what if” ?! How can you say that? Jesus! We’re standing here for… for… I don’t even know for how long. I don’t know if it’s day or night. I’ve lost the time order. I’ve lost the contact with the Outside, I’ve lost my senses: I’ve lost myself.

I: - You care that much for the Outside?

R: - Of course. Somewhere outside I have everything I care for.

I: - Is it about all you have? How about all you are?

R: - What about me?? I’m here, away from all that, not even knowing how far. I am what I have, and now I tend to become nothing because I have nothing left.

I: - No! You are not defined by the outward. It’s nothing else then a perspective of the you inside, and you can always change that perspective. You have the ability to let that which doesn’t matter truly slide. Because you’re not your job; you’re not your friends opinion; you’re not the car you drive; you’re not the clothes you drive; you’re not the contents of your wallet; you’re not an amount of things you own! All that are nothing more than a bit of the great explosion of your identity, and you have it under control as long as you are aware of your power. You are on the higher level of evolution, you tend of an ideal form of existence, to perfection, not to annihilation. Maybe self-annihilation, but this is another story. Anyway, it’s madness to say you tend to nothing.

R: - In these circumstances, it’s madness to say I don’t! Look at me. Look at yourself. Do you feel alive? Oh, you do! How can you? What’s your purpose here? What’s the man’s purpose? To create. You’ve been talking about evolution, but how can you evolve in loneliness? People are made to live, to fight and eventually to die, but they do it together. Life itself needs a purpose, otherwise it becomes useless and you fall into decay. What life is if not a race for supremacy? How can you push your limits if you don’t have anyone to compare with? We define ourselves by reference to our kind. Isn’t the big “I” that is supreme, but is the big “We”, and you, and I, are just small parts of the whole, almost indestructible “We”.

I: - Together we become a community, a greater weapon to win the greater good, or the greater decay, it depends on each other. But also we are, as individual, defined by unique features. And we are actually alone all the time and we are complete as we are. The whole “We” can’t work properly without the very smallest piece. The power is found in each other equally, so you can even turn over the world. Time becomes just a sand glass which waits for you to turn it upside down. Space becomes nothing more than a common dimension for us to keep in touch. And everything else is just a perspective of yours: just like that cherry ice cream. Or like me. Even I’m what you want me to be.

R (cynical): - Oh, believe me, I never asked for a looney!

I: - I guess you did, as long I’m here though, ain’t I? Take a minute and think: I’m all that you’ve never been, all that you’re afraid to be, you wished to be but you couldn’t, for many reasons. Just think! Because in the end, I’m nothing else but… you!

R (increasing his voice): - No you’re not!

I: - Actually I’m your reflection. Look deep through yourself and you’ll see me. Pass through your fear. Dare to be different! Dare to change!

R (keep increasing his voice): - Stop talking!

I: - Stop yelling!

R: - Ok! You don’t need to yell too!

I: - Oh, well, that was just because you yelled first and you had no intention to stop.

R: - And I yelled because…

[pentru ca am mintea in suflet si sufletul in minte...]

Pe ce ne dam banii?

Mi'a placut intotdeauna sa cred ca romanii sunt un soi de oameni inteligenti. Si culti. Si inca mai cred ca, in comparatie cu occidentalii, ne tinem inca binisor la acest capitol. Insa nu stiu cat ne mai tine si pe noi, o parte insemnata din generatia tanara nu mai da doi bani pe cultura. Pseudointelectualismul e un curent ce ne strabate din ce in ce mai des si il simtim peste tot, si nu stiu care dintre cele doua situatii e mai decadenta. Occidentul, desi cu orizonturi largi si viziuni noi, moderne, vine la pachet cu o pseudocultura care intoxica si ia locul unui real interes. Suntem atat de grabiti, atat de grabiti...

Vrem sa crestem mari cat mai repede, sa experimentam cat mai repede si cat mai mult, sa ni se dea dreptate si sa ne asiguram ca toata lumea e constienta de cat de atotstiutori suntem noi. Ne pierdem interesul. Tot ce ramane in picioare e puterea banului si influenta lui asupra noastra. Ne dorim sa avem si atat. Si cand te gandesti ca toata placerea sta in greutatea drumului pana acolo...

Am dat peste scrisoarea lui Tudor. Nu stiu cati au citit-o, nu stiu cati au inteles, nu stiu cati au aprobat, nu stiu cati au acceptat si nu stiu pe cati a influentat. Mama imi spunea odata ca "sistemul ne vrea prosti". Nu intelegeam eu prea bine ce spunea ea acolo, insa mi se parea extrem de neadevarat. Cum sa promovezi ma nene incultura? Si, mai important, de ce ai face asta? Dar democratia asta, haosul actual ne indoctrineaza poate mai mult decat un sistem totalitar. Cand toti gandesc la fel ii poti manevra usor, ca pe o turma. Mai ales cand gandesc prost.

De fapt... cine iti poate spune cum sa gandesti? Cine are acest drept? Ia vezi, incearca omule de gandeste singur, poate chiar ajunge sa-ti placa. Poate nu-i nevoie sa-ti spuna unul si altul cum sa-ti castigi o paine, castigand vile pe urma ta si a ignorantei tale.

Vroiam de ceva vreme sa vorbesc despre anticariatele in aer liber de la universitate. Imi pusesem in gand sa le fotografiez odata, si asteptam de cateva saptamani momentul. O sa revin cu unele saptamana viitoare. Cartile sunt intr-o stare cat de cat buna. Unele aproape noi. Nu e o rusine sa-ti iei carti vechi, daca nu-ti permiti sa ti le cumperi din librarie. Si, if you ask me, nici nu se merita. Il gasesti pe Faulkner si pe Dostoievski la 10 lei. Hai ca se merita. Si se poate.